RandylB's Xanga

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 21:10:32 GMT

When a film's heroine innocently coughs, you know that two scenes later, at most, she'll be in an oxygen tent; when a man bumps into a woman at the train station, you know that man will become the woman's lover and/or murderer. In everyday life, where we cough often and are always bumping into people, our daily actions rarely reverberate so lucidly. Once we love or hate someone, we can think back and remember that first casual encounter. But what of all the chance meetings that nothing ever comes of? While our bodies move ever forward on the time line, our minds continuously trace backwards, seeking shape and meaning as deftly as any arrow seeking its mark.
Our fates were already perfectly mapped out within us, just as we once waited perfectly inside of our mothers, who themselves were held within the depths of their mothers, our great-grandmothers.
It's impossible for me not to wonder why I didn't go right when I should have gone left, or, alternatively, see my movements as inexorable. If the cancer was already there, it would have been discovered eventually, though probably too late. Or perhaps that knock set in motion a chain of physical events that created an opportunity for the cancer to grow which it might not otherwise have found. Sometimes it is as difficult to know what the past holds as it is to know the future, and just as an answer to a riddle seems so obvious once it is revealed, it seems curious to me now that I passed through all those early moments with no idea of their weight.

life...as it is now.

Sun, 15 Jul 2007 20:16:36 GMT

life has been pretty interesting, i must say. haven't blogged in what seems centuries. well...lets see. im broken. but a good broken. lets just say im accepting where i am right now. i know i'm not in the best spot...havent been attending church or anything god-related in quite a while. i miss it and i know i'm slowly slipping away. ok...maybe a little faster then i thought. i'm caught up in a relationship that i dont know where its going. we both like each other but he doesnt know what he wants. its difficult. its like im giving my heart but i dont know quite how much of his he is willing to give. he was in a difficult relationship before i came along...so thats why i think he doesnt quite want a committed relationship at the moment. i hope he doesnt think it'll be the same as his last because i'm not like her at all. i dont know. this is probably not the best situation to be in right now in my life. but...then again, doesnt God put everyone in your life for a reason? isnt there a lesson hidden somewhere deep in the heart of this relationship? forever searching....

Feel The Silence

Wed, 25 Apr 2007 21:22:34 GMT

GOO GOO DOLLS - FEEL THE SILENCE

You lie awake at night
With blue eyes that never cry
All you remember now
Is what you feel

The truth remains
In midnight conversations
I asked for this moment
But you turned away

Sad like a lonely child
Broken the day you're born
I held the light to you
But I was so vain

And you remain
A promise unfulfilled
I ask you for more
But you push me away

And if we feel the silence
Holding this all inside
Everything means more now than
Words could explain

And if we feel the silence
Holding this all inside us
Looking for something more to say

I don't know where I'm going
Only know where I been
But you move through my soul like a hurricane wind
We've been so lost for so long
I don't know how to get back again

And we're drowning in the water
That flows under this bridge
When you're fighting the current
You forget how to live
And I wanted to reach you but I don't know where to begin
And you remain
A promise unfulfilled until today

And if we feel the silence
Holding this all inside
Everything means more now than
Words could explain
And if we feel the silence
Leaving this all behind us
When it's gone what will you say

How do we hold on
How do we hold on
How do we hold on
How do we hold on
How do we hold on

You lie awake at night
With blue eyes that never cry

Sunday, April 08, 2007

Sun, 08 Apr 2007 20:05:33 GMT

NO ONES GOT MY BACK. I AM ALONE...AND SLOWLY DROWNING

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Tue, 03 Apr 2007 05:50:04 GMT

All I want is to go off to some other world, a place beyond anybody's reach. A place beyond the flow of time. But there's no place like that in the world. Which is why I'm living here, in this world where things are continually damaged, where the heart is fickle, where time flows past without a break. I thought there had to be a place like that in the world. I was sure somewhere I'd run across the entrance that would take me to that other world.

Warrior Poet - The Classic Crime

Tue, 20 Mar 2007 05:06:10 GMT

It couldn't be more far from the truth
If you could do to me the things you would do
And I know you're on to me
I'm watching you wanting me
You hung down the rebels and punish them wrongfully
You came with fire and weapons to kill

A warrior poet once said
You're not dead yet so live like you could be
A warrior poet said
Have no regrets when you're old
Have no regrets when you're old

I'm not looking for you to be anything
But my ultimate enemy
So back off, you're not what I would prefer to see
When my body rots I still won't give you the courtesy
You came with fire for the last time

A warrior poet once said
You're not dead yet so live like you could be
A warrior poet said
Have no regrets when you're old
Have no regrets when you're old

When your body wants to run
But your heart knows you're better than that
The blood you spilled on battlefields
I promise you will not go unspent
Neither will I leave you stranded
The promise rings as our battle cry
You're never alone regardless of doubt
But faith comes so easy to some
Better luck next time, better luck next time
Watch as the teargas burns my eyes
It burns my eyes

A warrior poet once said
You're not dead yet so live like you could be
A warrior poet said
Have no regrets when you're old
Have no regrets when you're old

Peace? No...but a Sword

Thu, 11 Jan 2007 18:50:24 GMT

"Don't think I came to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword."

-Matthew 10:34

This encourages me. To know that it's ok not to get along with family some times. For if you love a family member more than God, He has no place for you in His family. Put God first. Always. No question. But do love your family! Thats important too!

P.S...I meant to post this yesterday. And yes...there is a significance.

Life at last

Thu, 04 Jan 2007 07:05:37 GMT

"You are snakes! Who warned you to run away from God's coming punishment?Do the things that show you really have changed your hearts and lives. And don't think to yourselves, 'Abraham is our father'. I tell you that God could make children for Abraham from these rocks. The ax is now ready to cut down the trees, and every tree that does not produce good fruit will be cut down and thrown into the fire. I baptize you with water to show that your hearts and lives have changed. But there is one coming after me who is greater than I am, whose sandals I am not good enough to carry. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire. He will come ready to clean the grain, seperating the good grain from the chaff. He will put the good part of the grain into his barn, but he will burn the chaff with a fire that cannot be put out."

-Matthew 3:7-12

So...the major question crosses my feeble mind quite frequently lately...am I producing good fruit? Will I be cut down and thrown into the fire?

My heart and life has shifted yet again. Relief. Joy.

God has pushed all my other focuses aside. He is there. Here. Now. Excitement through what he has been doing in my life is making me thirsty. Hungry. I want more.

One of my current homes, CVCC, has helped my data base grow more. My mother loves this place. She comes every Sunday. Her life and our reltionship has shifted so much...it's difficult to explain it all in words. A few of my Christian friends at Gelsons who live out amazing spiritual lives say that they have seen my mom grow like crazy. My mom asked me a question last night that almost brought me to tears.

She wants to be baptized.

What?!?!?!?!?!!?!? MY MOTHER?!?!?! :)

She is to talk to our pastor soon. I'll keep you posted. Promise.

On to more exciting news. I have five friends I've introduced to my amazing God. Through my youth group. I'm seeing God move in their lives...two have become believers and the rest are working their way towards the open door. One of these friends who I have really struggled with...asked if she could come for the first time last night. One of my good friends, Ashley. She is interested. And in her life...that is all we need for now.

Girls nights. Currently working on these. Alot. Trying to plan these. Wanting to bring friends to meet more friends. Girls from youth group, work, school, and other places. My goal...to bring love...hope...faith...God ultimately. So those will become a regular bases thing...hopefully every 2 weeks.

Both the Spring/Vox community and CVCC community have and are bringing me closer and closer to a God I have always wanted to know. I'm learning more about Him...doing more things with Him. My heart is about to explode! With everything He is doing in my life...I am releived with tears of joy. Life has never seemed to plentaful...so full of someone bigger. Finally getting out of the self mind-set.

I'm hoping to become a leader soon at my youth group. Pray for me. :)

Sonnet 75

Fri, 17 Nov 2006 06:09:24 GMT

One day I wrote her name upon the strand,

But came the waves and washed it away;

Again I wrote it with a second hand,

But came the tide, and made my pains his prey.

"Vain man," said she, "that dost in vain assay,

A mortal thing so to immortalize,

For I myself shall like to this decay,

And eek my name be wiped out likewise."

"Not so," quod I, "let baser things devise

To die in dust, but you shall live by fame:

My verse your virtues rare shall eternize,

And in the heavens write your glorious name.

Where whenas death shall all the world subdue,

Our love shall live, and later life renew."

-Edmund Spencer

Iron & Wine

Sun, 05 Nov 2006 09:39:01 GMT

o yeah...and ps. i love this song :)